Family Guy - Hartford Blues
by A.D. Cox
Summary: Peter and the family head to Hartford, CT for the annual football classic which is sure to be a blast...for Peter. With a marriage already on the rocks and the kids losing respect for their father, a football game isn't exactly the best idea for a family getaway. Not to mention the mess Peter left the last time he was there. Starring: Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris Brian & Stewie.


Family Guy Hartford Blues

The day started like any other day on Spooner Street. Peter was sitting on the couch watching TV while there was a news report on featuring Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney.

TOM: Good Afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. Today's Top Story is there is a small riot going on at Mort's Pharmacy. We now go live to Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa for more information. Tricia?

TRICIA: Tom, I'm standing here in front of Mort's Pharmacy, where there are a bunch of angry Jews breaking glass and knocking down shelves of medicine and other products. Sir, why are you so angry?

RANDOM JEW: Are you kidding, you messhugganah? That schmeil Goldman had the nerve to raise the price of Bakalava flavored gum by 15 cents! Now, it's $2.00 a pack! Just last week, it was $1.45! It's a rip-off I tells ya!

MORT: It's not my fault! The company made me raise up the prices! They said manufacturing has gone up!

RANDOM JEW #2: Well, why didn't you low-ball him?! Are you a Jew or what?

MORT: I did what I could! It really isn't that big of a difference!

RANDOW JEW: Hey! This water in this water fountain is no longer free. It's now 5 cents of squirt! Let's get him!

The Jews proceeded to jump on Mort…only except of actually hitting him, they lightly tap and slap him to which Mort just stands there and moans every time he gets hit.

MORT: Ouch! My face hurts!

RANDOM JEW: Ow! My hand hurts! I think it's broken.

The camera then cuts back to the studio.

JOYCE: Tricia, I've noticed that there is no property that's actually broken. Have the rioters done any amount of damage?

TRICIA: Well…they did topple a magazine rack…but only because David Schwimmer was named most popular Jew.

RANDOM JEW 3: DAVID SCHWIMMER MOST POPULAR JEW?! IN WHOSE WORLD?! YAAAAHHHH!

Camera goes blank and the studio comes up.

TOM: Thank you Tricia for that report. We now go to Ollie Williams and the Black U Weather Report. Ollie?

OLLIE: BLACKCLOUDSMATTER!

TOM: Thanks, Ollie! Coming up, Women finally reveal to the world what they really want and the answer might surprise you! Stay tuned!

Lois then walks in and sits down on the couch.

LOIS: Hey, Peter, what you watchin'?

PETER: Oh Nothin', Lois. Just the news. Seems it's gonna be a pretty slow day today.

LOIS: Well, that's good, because there's some things I need you to do around the house like…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….

PETER: Uh-huh.

LOIS: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, beer, blah, blah, blah.

PETER: Oooohhh…

LOIS: Blah, blah, blah, blah, go to the clam and have a beer and then I need you to blah blah blah blah blah blah have drunk sex with me.

PETER: Lois…you sure that's what you want me to do?

LOIS: Peter…what did I ask you to do?

PETER: You just said you wanted me to go to the clam, get drunk and then come back and have drunk sex with you.

Lois stares at him quietly for a few seconds.

PETER: Well…that is what you said, isn't it?

LOIS: I'll be back home at 8, in bed by 9. If I'm sleep just roll me over and do what you want.

Lois walks away muttering under her breath, "Son of a bitch…why the hell did I marry this bastard…"

Just then, a commercial comes on TV.

COMMERCIAL: HEYYYY, FOOTBALL FANS! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 35 YEARS, THE UNIVERSITY OF RHODE ISLAND IS GOING TO THE NEW ENGLAND BOWL! WE ARE RENEWING OUR RIVALRY WITH THE CONNECTICUT STATE WOLVES WITH AN ALL OUT BATTLE TO TAKE PLACE IN HARTFORD! BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE REGATTA OURSELVES…UH…I MEAN…YOU'LL MISS ALL THE FUN OF THE SPORTS BALL GAME. HOSTED BY PEWTERSCHMIDT INDUSTRIES! WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FEETBALL, JUST PAY FOR OUR DAMN REGATTA YOU STUPID PEASANTS! UH…I MEAN…LET'S PLAY SOME TOUCHDOWN BALL! THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED, RIGHT?

PETER: HOLY CRAP! I haven't seen that since the 80s! I thought that had went away. Ah, this is great! LOIS! Hey Lois, come in here!

Lois walks back in the room with a dissatisfied look on her face.

PETER: Lois, you'll never guess what's coming back! The New England Bowl, and we're in it! Rhode Island is going up against Connecticut State!

LOIS: So?

PETER: So?! SO?! Don't you remember how much fun we had at that game?

LOIS: Peter…you and I were on a break at the time you went to that thing…and you didn't even watch the game. You ended up getting drunk off your ass and you didn't even remember who played in it!

PETER: Ah, the New England Bowl. A game that is only less in importance to the Super Bowl. I remember that game as if it were yesterday. Lois, we gotta go to this game!

LOIS: Peter, you don't listen to a damn thing I say, do you?

PETER: Of course! I told you to buy the pants, right? They make your butt look bigger, but they fit great, honey.

LOIS: No…you…that's not what I'm talking about. I told you that I wanted to go on a vacation this month. And, I would like to go somewhere other than stupid Connecticut. I mean, what do they have there anyway?

PETER: Oh come on, Lois, they have lots of stuff to do in Connecticut. Like, you can see if they'll actually charge you for standing in the front of a rich guy's house?

The scene cutaway to Peter standing in front of a rich guy's house. The butler comes to the front gate and states at him for a second.

BUTLER: Sir…you do realize it's $100 a minute to stand on our property, yes?

PETER: Yes. This is some premium standing concrete right here. I wanna enjoy it a little more.

BUTLER: Very well, sir. And will you be paying in cash or check.

PETER: CHECK!

BUTLER: Splendid. Well, just let me know when you're done.

The butler walks away.

PETER: I'm not gonna pay him at all.

Five days later…

LOIS: PETER…WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SPEND $1000 FOR!

PETER: A well paved driveway, Lois. A well paved driveway.

The scene then comes back to Lois and Peter in the living room.

PETER: Come on, Lois. I haven't seen this game in years. It may not ever happen again between URI.

LOIS: Peter, why the hell is it we always end up doing what you wanna do?

PETER: Because I make the money, Lois. I pay for everything and I should decide everything.

LOIS: You do decide everything. But, sometimes, I would like to decide somethings sometime. I mean, I do my fair share around the house, too!

PETER: Ok, Lois, Ok. We'll decide to do something YOU wanna do…

LOIS: Thank you, Peter, that's very nice of you. I was really thinking we could go to—

PETER: Ah, ah, ah! You can pick what we do NEXT vacation. This time, we're going to Connecticut!

LOIS: PETER! This is exactly what I'm talking about!

PETER: Hey, Lois, I got a great idea. What about if we take the kids with us? Yeah, they'll wanna enjoy all the festivities, too. Oh, this is gonna be great! Get your bags packed, Lois. We're gonna have the best time!  
Peter then runs upstairs in glee and happiness. Lois just stands there and stares at the wall. Then, Brian walks in.

BRIAN: Hey Lois, how you doin'?

LOIS: Not good, Brian. Not good. Peter is annoying me again. He barely listens to anything I have to say anymore. It's like….I'm not even there.

BRIAN: Yeah, I've been noticing that lately. What are you gonna do?

LOIS: Brian…what if I told you that I've been seriously thinking about leaving Peter?

BRIAN: I would say what took you so long? Heh heh heh ho!

LOIS: I'm being serious, Brian.

BRIAN: Well, no offense, but so am I. I mean, look at all the stuff he's put your through? How you have not decided to leave yet is something I can't wrap my head around, and I'm an Ivy League Man.

LOIS: Dropout.

BRIAN: Well, whatever! I didn't see you going to any college!

LOIS: Oh…so you wanna go there, huh?

BRIAN: No, Lois, I don't. I'm just still sensitive about me dropping out, that's all.

LOIS: I'm sorry, Brian. I'm just so damn irritated! Why do I keep dealing with this from him?

BRIAN: Because you love him. At least, that's what I'm guessing.

LOIS: I guess so. But, when does it get to a point when love is no longer enough?

BRIAN: Is…Is that the way you feel?

LOIS: I dunno, Brian. Maybe this trip to Connecticut will be good for us…for all of us. Maybe we just need to get outta this house for awhile.

BRIAN: Maybe you're right. But, don't go making any rash decisions until you've considered everything.

LOIS: I'll do my best. But, I gotta tell ya…I can feel myself getting tired of all this. I'm gonna need to do something about this sooner or later…and I feel it's gonna be sooner.

Lois then heads to her bedroom and goes to pack.

Next scene is at the airport where Quagmire happens to be flying a plane to Connecticut. Peter is walking around the front of the entrance, trying to figure out how to get better seats.

LOIS: Peter, would you relax? It's not like you're at the football game now. Why do you need better seats on the plane?

PETER: Because, Lois, I don't wanna be sitting by some loud ass kid or some smelly guy who decides this would be the perfect day to not use deodorant. Also, I need to have room so that when we do the in-flight movie, I can actually enjoy the thing and not have to worry about someone else telling me to shut up, or stop laughing or please get your arm outta my face!

LOIS: You could just…you know…stop all those things.

PETER: I am what I am, Lois! And, I need lots of space and lots of privacy when I'm in flight! I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am! And I demand special treatment at a poor person's price. I won't accept anything less!

LOIS: And yet, you'll eat gas station burritos and drink water from the bird bath…like you did last week.

Scene cuts to Peter drinking out of a bird bath while a bird is looking at him.

BIRD: Hey! You like that? You like the way my body taste?

PETER: Yes?

BIRD: Oh really? Well, why don't you get it from the source.

Peter then moves his head forward while the bird lies down the ground. The scene ends before Peter can get his mouth close to the bird.

The scene picks up at Peter and Lois' hotel room. Meg and Chris are in the next room while Brian and Stewie are sharing the third room by themselves.

Lois is looking at a guide and actually finds it interesting.

LOIS: Peter, what time is this game?

PETER: It should be at 8 pm. Why?

LOIS: Well, I noticed that there are many things we could do before the game? We could go to the aquarium, where they have many different types of birds and fish there? Or, we can go and get some culture at the art museum. And then, we can have a nice gourmet dinner before the game.

PETER: Sorry, Lois…no can do. I'm saving my appetite for the stadium food. When I get there, it's gotta be just right…as close as I can get it to the last time I was there.

LOIS: Peter.

PETER: Lois, Lois. I promise, we'll be here tomorrow and we'll do something then. I promise.

LOIS: You really promise?

PETER: Of course I do. Don't worry, I'll take good care of everything. Now, while you get the hell out of my room, I'm gonna take a nap and get ready for the game. Nighty night!

Peter falls asleep within 5 seconds, while Lois has an annoyed look on her face and leaves the room. She runs into Brian who is on his way out for a smoke break.

BRIAN: Ah hey, Lois. How's it going?

LOIS: I'm married to a stupid lummox, how do you think it's going?

BRIAN: What happened now?

LOIS: The bastard won't even get outta bed! He decides to go to sleep just so that he can be awake during the game.

BRIAN: What did you wanna do?

LOIS: More than just come all the way to Connecticut just stay in a hotel room. I wanna go to the museums, I wanna see a show…I wanna get some culture.

BRIAN: Oh. Well, I'll go with you.

LOIS: Really? You will?

BRIAN: Sure, I love all those things, you know that.

LOIS: Oh…well…if you want to, let's go!

Lois and Brian then leave the hotel room. Meanwhile, Meg, Chris and Stewie are all watching TV in their room.

MEG: It's so boring here. Why are we just sitting in the room? We should go out and do something.

CHRIS: Like what? There's nothing to do.

MEG: Well…for starters, why don't we get something to eat?

STEWIE: FINALLY! I was wondering when we were gonna get some food. I just assumed the fat man ate it all. Wouldn't be the first time.

Scene cuts to Peter eating all the food while his family looks on.

LOIS: Peter, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack.

PETER: I'm fine, Lois. I'm just hungry is all.

MEG: But, you're always hungry!

PETER: Shut up, Meg! If you want some food…you will Kindly wait until I'm done and while you're waiting, you'll be looking at me with fear and admiration.

MEG: But Dad, I…

PETER: FEAR AND ADMIRATION!

Peter continues to scarf down all the food in front of him, while Meg and Chris look in sadness. Lois stares at him with the same unsatisfied blank stare that's been across her face.

LOIS: Come on, kids. We're going to McBurgerTown. Fat ass here will eat up house and home.

CHRIS: Yey! McBurgertown!

MEG: Whoopie…

They leave while Peter still engorges himself.

Stewie then gets in front of the camera.

STEWIE: Yeah, see he does this all the time. How we still manage to look so healthy, you ask? We raid every other show on this lot. Yes, you heard me. You may have never noticed this, but on the set of Bob's Burgers, they're ALWAYS eating. That's because we eat all of their catering. Hey, freshmen gotta learn somehow.

The scene then cuts to Lois and Brian walking around downtown Hartford to the local theatre. They go in to find that they're just in time for a matinee play. They watch it for a few hours when it's time for intermission. Lois and Brian then walk out of the theatre and Brain brings them both drinks.

LOIS: Oh, thank you Brian.

BRIAN: Oh, it's no trouble. Now, be careful with this one, they say this wine was aged 18 years. That would explain the price tag.

LOIS: I smell it…it's pretty strong.

BRIAN: Take a sip…tell me what you think?

LOIS: *sip* WOW! This IS strong!

BRIAN: There's plenty more where that came from.

LOIS: Brian…can you afford this?

BRIAN: We're on vacation, aren't we? Come on, let's not worry about any of that stuff.

LOIS: Yeah, I guess you're right. Just as long as we don't get too crazy.

BRIAN: Nah. So, you feeling any better?

LOIS: You know what would make me feel better? Is if Peter wanted to hang out with me as much as you do.

BRIAN: Oh…well…you…you two don't seem to have that much in common.

LOIS: That shouldn't matter. I do all of the stupid stuff he wants to do. KISS concerts, Beer Festivals… Hell, the only reason why we're here in the first place is because of some stupid football game.

BRIAN: Yeah, that is true. But, he does do some things that you want to do? What about The King and I? You both did that together.

LOIS: You mean the same King and I he took over and then turned into a travesty?

BRIAN: Oh yeah… Ok, bad example. What about the plays that he's gone to with you?

LOIS: You mean the ones I had to beg him to go to and then when he got there, he talked through the whole thing? Do you know how many plays we've gotten thrown out of?

BRIAN: Uh…Ok OK….what about…let's see…AH…you two were in a band together.

LOIS: He never sang any of my songs! It was always about making stupid hippie music, of which he knows nothing about because WE WEREN'T HIPPIES!

BRIAN: Well, Lois…you had to have known this about him before you got married to him, right?

LOIS: Yes.

BRIAN: Then…I gotta ask…why did you marry Peter?

LOIS: *sigh* Because I love him.

BRIAN: Is that the only person you love?

LOIS: Peter was a sweet, kind person when I first met him. Lately, he just seems to be taking me for granted. Before, it seemed like he'd do anything just to be near me again.

BRIAN: Lois…you didn't answer my question. Is Peter the only person you love?

LOIS: Well…no…I fell in love with other guys, sure.

BRIAN: But…you married Peter.

LOIS: Well, maybe he was just the most persistent?

ANNOUNCER: Please return to your seats, the show is about to start again. Thank you!

BRIAN: We'll finish this later. I do want you to be thinking about this while we're watching the show, though.

Meanwhile; Meg, Chris and Stewie found themselves in a nearby mall. They were able to find the food court and they were sitting down eating.

STEWIE: I say…you both know we really shouldn't be eating this food here, don't you? It's probably the worst place to eat food.

CHRIS: Why would you say that?

STEWIE: Oh, isn't it obvious? I bet no one in front of the oven washes their hands…it's dirty and grimy here…I mean, even the roaches complain about this place.

Zoom in to three roaches in front of the mall. One is a greeter, and the other two are diners.

GREETER: Mmmm…did you enjoy your meal, sir?

HUSBAND: Sir…this restaurant says it's five stars on the brochure, but in my humble opinion, I believe this place is only deserving of one star. If this is what accounts for trash these days, I'd rather starve!

WIFE: Dear please, don't make a scene. Even if the food was dreadful.

GREETER: Yes, sir. I'll tell the chef about your opinion and we will make sure to pass it along. So…we can we expect to see you again?

HUSBAND: Didn't you hear me? Your food is horrible! Your place is filthy! I wouldn't want to wish this place on my worst enemy!

GREETER: Mmm-hmmm…I understand, sir.

HUSBAND: Is 7:30 on Thursday ok?

GREETER: Excellent, sir! We'll see you then!  
We now return to Meg, Chris and Stewie eating.

MEG: Well, I'm ready for a nap. Let me just wash my hands and we'll get going back to the hotel.

Meg heads to the restroom to wash her hands and bumps into a lady on her way there.

LADY: Watch it, will ya?

MEG: Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I…(gasp)

Meg then walks out with a blank face.

CHRIS: Meg? You alright?

MEG: Chris…I just saw the weirdest lady.

CHRIS: Really? Where…and what's so weird about her?

MEG: I'll explain to you on the way. She really wasn't all that weird…it's just…well…let's just go.

Lois and Brian return to the hotel room, where Peter is sitting in the dark near the window.

LOIS: That was so FUN!

BRIAN: I know. And I wasn't expecting a Coltrane solo, but boy I wasn't disappointed. That…That right there was worth the ticket.

LOIS: Thanks so much for taking me out Brian.

BRIAN: Aw…it was nothing. Thanks for coming with me.

Brian and Lois exchange a look for a moment.

PETER: Well, well, well…I see SOMEONE had a good time.  
Lois snaps her neck to where the sound was coming from.  
LOIS: Peter?!

Peter then turns on the light…which ends up tipping over and falling. Peter then gets up and picks up the lamp and tries to put another light bulb in it…which takes him about 5 minutes to do it because he had been putting it in the wrong way. Then, he sits back down and turns the lamp off.

PETER: Ok Lois, you say Peter again.

LOIS: But, Peter, I already know you're sitting…

PETER: Say it, Lois! Just say it.

LOIS: *sigh* Peter…

PETER: No…you gotta be surprised again or it won't work.

LOIS: Pe—-ter?!

Peter then turns on the light.

PETER: Who else could think of such a genius plan?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

LOIS: Um…I don't follow…what plan, what…

PETER: Oh, damn, sorry. Wrong movie reference, wrong movie. Ok, I'm gonna cut off the lights again, and you say Peter one more time. Places, people!

BRIAN: Peter, what the hell do you wanna say?

PETER: Ohh…really? You've got balls to talk, Brian. You're really gonna sit here and yell at me after you've had my wife out all day doing God knows what when you all KNOW the real reason we're here!

Camera pans up to Heaven, where God is looking down.

GOD: That's right, I know EVERYTHING! But, I'll never tell. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!

JESUS: Dad? Paul just told me you know something about someone else betraying me in my last days and Judas being innocent or something? Is this true?

GOD: Wouldn't YOU like to know! Hehehehehehe!

JESUS: Yes, I would. If he's innocent, we have to get him out and…

GOD: Look…Jesus…the way things went down…they went down. I suggest we just leave it at that.

JESUS: But Dad.

GOD: No buts, son. Things are already complicated enough. If I told you the truth…well…some things are just better left unknown.

God then looks over to the Virgin Mary who has an evil smirk on her face and is making a slight cutthroat sign with her hands. God shakes his head quickly and tells her everything is cool. Then, Mary slowly disappears behind a corner, staring and smirking at God the whole time. Before she disappears, she makes a gesture signaling to God that she'll be watching him.

We now go back to the hotel room where Peter is confronting both Brian and Lois.

PETER: You know how important the game is tonight, Lois. Why on earth would you be out so late when you know we have to be there exactly when the gates open?

LOIS: You act like you're the one who's out there playing! We'll get there in time for kickoff, it'll be fine!

PETER: You don't understand! We…we're not the only ones that'll be there. Some of my friends who moved here from Quahog will also be there and I don't wanna miss the tailgate party!

LOIS: Wait a minute…so you're intent was to have us be there an hour before the game even started?!

PETER: I give the orders, Lois, I don't explain them. They're already there and they're wondering where I am…where WE are! How can you be so selfish?!

LOIS: ME?! Why you little…!

PETER: It's ok, Lois. It's alright. I'll find a way to forgive you. Now, hurry up and get your clothes on. We gotta game to cheer. Where are the kids?

LOIS: *gritting teeth* I'll…go…get…them…

Lois growls as she walks over to the kids room…only find that they aren't there. She rushes back into the room with Peter.

LOIS: PETER! The kids! They're not there!

PETER: Well, where the hell are they?

LOIS: How should I know, you were the one that was supposed to watch them!

PETER: I was asleep! How could I be watching them! I thought they were with you!

LOIS: We gotta go and find them!

PETER: Great idea! And when you go and find them, I'll text you where the tailgate will bre.

LOIS: Peter, you can't be serious?! OUR KIDS ARE MISSING! The damn tailgate can wait!

PETER: Lois, I planned for this and I am going to be there, kids or no kids.

LOIS: Peter, you are going to help me find the kids, and that's that!

PETER: I don't ask for a whole hell of a lot, Lois. But, I am not gonna miss this party, you understand?! I will drive you and Brian out and we'll look for them on the way to the stadium, but once I'm there, you're on your own.

MEG: So you really weren't gonna look for us, you fat ass?

PETER: Meg?! How…uh…how long have you been standing there?

MEG: Long enough to know that if we actually were lost we couldn't count on you, or at least until after the football game.

LOIS: Which, I remind you, you're not even playin' in.

PETER: We have all the time in the world to argue about this, but right now, we have to go. Let's go!

Peter ignores the entire family and runs out the door with the keys in his hands.

MEG: Mom…what were you thinking when you married him?

LOIS: Shut up, Meg.

MEG: No, YOU SHUT UP YOU STUPID COW!

Lois was taken aback by what she said.

LOIS: Meg…you don't mean that.

MEG: No, I don't. But, it doesn't feel so good, now does it?

Meg then walks out of the room.

STEWIE: Well…looks like this is going to be a very interesting weekend after all.

BRIAN: Oh, it's probably just a family spat. It'll be just like any other weekend.

STEWIE: I dunno Brian, the tension is thick in here. You could cut it with a knife.

Cutaway scene to a fat girl wearing a T-shirt that says "Tension" on it. Another girl comes behinds her and swipe a knife at her.  
TENSION: Ow! You cut me!

KNIFE GIRL: Don't blame me…blame that baby over there…he said I could cut you.

Tension then walks over to Stewie smacks him on the head.

TENSION: That's for telling people they can cut me!

Stewie then pulls out a knife and cuts the hand she smacked him with. A big gash ends up on her hands. Tension grabs it and looks at Stewie in horror.

STEWIE: And that's for corporal punishment against a child!

TENSION: You monster!

STEWIE: Oh shut up, I took it easy on you! At least you still have a hand!

The camera then arrives at the Southern Connecticut University Stadium. Everyone was already drinking and having a good time. Peter walked until he found his group of guys.

PETER: Benny! Chucky! Ralph!

Ralph: HEEEYYYYY! Well, looks who it is! Griffin!

CHUCKY: Peter…is that you? It's been ages, my man!

BENNY: Pete! How the hell have you been!

PETER: It's good to see you, too! It's been too long!

BENNY: How's everything been, man?! What's the good word?

PETER: Oh, nothing much. Just working at the brewery as an executive and bringing home a fat paycheck, you know.

BENNY: An executive!? Wow…never had you pegged to be one.

LOIS: Yes Peter…I never did either? Tell me, when did you get this position.

CHUCKY: Wow…never mind that! Who's the fox?!

PETER: Oh her? This is my sweet, wonderful and loving wife Lois.

Ralph: Wait a minute…Lois Pewterschmidt? THE Lois Pewterschmidt?

LOIS: The one and only!

Ralph: Oh My God, you look terrific. You haven't aged a bit!

LOIS: Oh, well thank you!

CHUCKY: She is gorgeous. Pete, you're a lucky man…especially considering that you look like the same tub of lard we used to kick around back in the day!

PETER: Oh, that's real funny, guys! I'll have you know that I kicked all three of your asses. It was so good of an ass kickin', you guys don't even remember it!

BENNY: Pete, the only thing you ever beat us at is a pie eating contest.

PETER: Now, that's not true! There was that cake eatin' contest that one year.

All of the men laugh.

BENNY: You know…I'm surprised that you decided to show up…especially considering…you know…what happened the last time we were here.

PETER: Oh, we torn this place down, didn't we! Hey, I wonder if they were able to build up that statue? I sure did a number on it, didn't I?

Ralph: No Pete…we mean…the other thing. The real reason why the game was canceled in the first place.

CHUCKY: Calm down with the conspiracy theories ok? We don't know if that actually was the reason.

BENNY: No…but it's common sense if you think about it.

PETER: What the hell are you guys talking about. They canceled the game due to the Mayor spending all of the money on his crossdressing and cocaine habit.

Cutaway to a very ugly man in lingerie making a speech in front of an auditorium of people.

MAYOR: So…if we take the animal control budget…cut it in half and give that budget to the police…I'm pretty sure we can help our finest catch more dogs…dogs who will break into your house and steal all your precious valuables…like the Hope Diamond and the Envy Diamond and…

REPORTER: Uh…sir…we need more police to go after the real criminals and Animal Control to go after our stray dog problem. Is this what you're proposing?

MAYOR: No…here's what I'm proposing…if I dog says bark…does a bark say dog? You ever think about that?

Camera then zooms in to a dog looking suspiciously as he hands the hope diamond to another dog.

DOG: *bark bark woof* (Take this to Fido immediately…he's onto us!)

We then return to the parking lot.

PETER: Honestly, that's what happened. The Mayor pissed away all the money.

CHUCKY: Are you really telling us that you can't remember the real reason why this game was shut down? Why you were forced to leave town and technically why you shouldn't even be here?

BENNY: I knew I wasn't crazy. I kinda thought that he was banned.

PETER: Banned?! Why the hell would I be banned?!

?: I'll tell you why!

Peter turns around to see an angry black man staring in his direction.

PETER: Who are you?

LOIS: Peter, what's going on?

PETER: You're asking me? I don't know?

?: You stupid idiot. I guess it was a good idea for me to come here after all.

BENNY: Fellas, fellas! Now we don't want any trouble.

CHUCKY: Oh, we are waaaay past that one. You might as well get another beer, this is gonna be good.

Ralph: Might be better than the game itself!

PETER: I don't understand, buddy. I don't know who you are.

?: Cut the crap, Griffin. You know exactly who I am!

LOIS: Now, listen here, whoever you are! Peter says he doesn't know who you are, then he doesn't know you. So I suggest you leave us alone before I call the cops.

?: Go ahead, call them. I'm pretty sure they'll be very interested to know that Peter Griffin is back in town. I'll go away for a night…two tops. But, him? He's going away for LIFE!

LOIS: What? Why?

?: Oh…he never told you. He never told any of you about that wild night?

LOIS: Obviously not.

PETER: Lois, I swear to you, I have no idea what's going on!

?: Lois, is it? Well, it's time you and I became acquainted. The name's Andrew Ball. I know your…who is he to you? Cousin?

LOIS: Husband.

ANDREW: Husband?! You married THAT!

LOIS: I married a person, Mr. Ball. I married a kind person that is not the same person he was whenever you had dealings with him, so whatever he did is in the past and I suggest you just let it go.

ANDREW: Oh really? And how about Murder? Does that count?

LOIS: M…M…Murder?!

BRIAN: Peter?!

PETER: I've never killed anyone in my life!

ANDREW: Oh…not directly. But, you did hand them the weapon. So, indirectly…you did. How do you feel about that Lois? You married a murderer!

Lois turned to Peter with a scared look on her face.

LOIS: Peter…what is he saying? What in the world is going on?

BRIAN: Yeah, that's a pretty serious accusation! Why are you saying this?

ANDREW: So…he really hasn't told you anything?! I guess I shouldn't be surprised…he always was a coward. A lazy, fat, good for nothing slob and a waste of a human space.

MEG: Hey, watch it! That's my dad you're talking about.

ANDREW: W….what? Are you?

MEG: What?

Andrew stares at Meg for a second and then comes back to his senses.

ANDREW: You actually had a daughter with this man?

CHRIS: Hi, I'm Chris. I'm her brother and this is my younger brother Stewie.

STEWIE: Good to meet ya! If you need towel after you pound his face in, I have some. Just lettin' ya know.

PETER: Look, pal. There's gotta be some misunderstanding. I've never killed anyone in my life.

ANDREW: Aren't you the same Peter Griffin that went to University of Rhode Island?

PETER: I never went there, I was just a fan!

ANDREW: But, you were there that night. I'll never forget your stupid fat face. I'll never forget what you did!

LOIS: Look, mistah, I don't know what your deal is, but he said he wasn't there! He doesn't know you! So, why don't you just leave us alone!

ANDREW: Amazing that you have a woman covering for the messed up thing you did. You can't fight your own battles, can you Griffin?! But, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from a coward like you.

PETER: Pal, you're starting to piss me off. For the last time, I don't know you and I've never killed anyone.

ANDREW: Oh, you're getting mad? Good. What the hell do I care about you getting mad. I've been mad for the past 35 years. I don't care about you getting angry now.

BRIAN: Ok, everyone, let's just calm down. Andrew, was it? Why don't you just explain to us why you're so angry with Peter and then we'll go from there.  
ANDREW: Oh, I'd be more than happy to. In 1983, the New England Bowl was happening here at CSU. I was a student here at the time, and was supposed had a date with the most beautiful girl on this campus…April Gallagher.

*Flashback goes back to 1983, and we see Andrew getting ready in his dorm room, donned out in CSU gear and in a very happy mood*

ANDREW: Man, this is gonna be a great night. I finally got her to say yes to me.

FRED: Just make sure you don't move too fast like you do with all the other girls, man. You always strike out before you make it to third base.

ANDREW: Nah…this time it's different, bro. I really want to be with this girl for a long time. You know, I think this may be the one.

FRED: You say that about all of 'em.

ANDREW: But this time…I think I really mean it.

*That night, I went to her dorm room to pick her up, only for it to be empty. I asked all the girls about where she might be, but none of them knew. Finally, I found her roommate, and she told me that some fat guy had picked her up already. Well, needless to say I was mad. Why wouldn't she even tell me? I wasn't gonna go to the game, but Fred persuaded me to go anyway. When I went, I happened to run into April, who was shocked to see me.

ANDREW: April, what the hell?! I thought you and I was supposed to be going to the game.

APRIL: Please, don't be mad. But…I kinda…well…I couldn't tell you…

ANDREW: And why not?

APRIL: It was a last minute thing. See, I'm rushing for the Pi Iota Gamma Sorority. I was chosen at the last minute to get into this thing. They came to my dorm room and told me if I wanted in, I had to go with this guy right now as a prospect trial.  
ANDREW: So, it's not a date?

APRIL: No! I would never do that to you! You're one of the only guys that really pays attention to me and you actually called back after we had sex…unlike all those other guys.

ANDREW: Yeah, I told you about that.

APRIL: Yeah…I just keep thinking they're really telling the truth when they say they like me. But, I guess you're the only one.

ANDREW: Well, duh?! I've told you that over and over, now.

APRIL: I know, I know. But…I swear I'll make it up to you! I just…I really wanna fit in so bad. Please, don't be mad.

ANDREW: Alright…I guess I'll let you get away with this one. But, after the game we're going on a date.

APRIL: Oh…sorry. They said it might be an all-night thing. But, I'll be free in the morning! I'll come straight to your room, I promise!

ANDREW: Forgive me for being a little suspicious about all this…but I'll take you at your word.

APRIL: Trust me, that's all it is. I'm just rushing, ok? I gotta go, I'm not supposed to be seen talking to anyone. I'll see you later!

*She ran off kinda quick, and I didn't see where she was went. Being in a frat myself, I knew the ins and outs of it, so I understood what was required and didn't think anything was weird about it. I found Frank and we sat down to look at the game.

FRANK: So what happened?

ANDREW: Oh…she's just rushing for a sorority.

FRANK: Oh…well that explains everything. Which one?

ANDREW: Pi Iota Gamma.  
FRANK: Pi…Iota…Gamma? Are you sure?

ANDREW: Yeah. You know anything about them?

FRANK: Honestly, I've never heard of them. Hold on, there's my homegirl from the Deltas. Maybe she knows about them. I'll go ask.

ANDREW: Nah, man, don't worry about it.

FRANK: I'm curious, now. I've never heard of them, that's all.

Frank went to his friend to go ask about the sorority. It was awhile and I was getting into the game. It was a while before I noticed that Frank and his friend was coming back my way.

FRANK: Drew…we need to talk with you real quick.

ANDREW: What's up?

DELTA: Now…tell me the name of this sorority again?

ANDREW: Pi Iota Gamma. Geez, what the hell? You act like you've never heard of this sorority before.

DELTA: I haven't…but one of my sisters have. And…it's not what you think.

ANDREW: What you mean?

DELTA: Honey…Pi Iota Gamma doesn't exist. It's not a real sorority. It's a fake group designed to pick on the ugliest and fattest girls. They get invited out to a big event and then they are made to do something so embarrassing that they are laughed at by the entire school. But worse, they lose their chance to pledge another sorority.

FRANK: Yeah…and worse off, if you look at the name itself, it tells you what they're up to. Pi Iota Gamma…or P.I.G. They're calling all these poor girls who 'join' Pigs, man.

ANDREW: You're kidding me!  
DELTA: I wish I was, hunny. Unfortunately, I asked 3 different sisters. They all said it was true.

ANDREW: I gotta find her. We gotta warn…

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen we have a special treat during this timeout. The University of Rhode Island proudly presents their rushes for their final test of loyalty before they are inducted as members of Pi Iota Gamma! And here they are!

All five girls were dressed up in pig costumes while being led by a URI student…or in April's case, a URI fan. Once they were marched to the end of the field, they were made to sit in the grass while everyone else laughed.

Then, they were all made to state their names and where they went to school. Once they did this, a tray was brought to each of them. When it was opened, it contained various meats that looked like Spam and other things.

ANNOUNCER: Alright now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Pi Iota Gamma pledges to do their last stunt. They MUST eat as much of this food as they can using only their mouths in under a minute! The more they eat…the more they eat, the more of chance they have to win. Are you ready pledges?!

PLEDGES: Yes!

ANNOUNCER: On your mark! Get set! GO!

The girls started wolfing down the contents of the trays. After a minute of them getting food all over their mouth, snorting and exposing their butts to everyone in the stadium (due to them being bent over) the clock ended.

ANNOUNCER: That was great, pledges! Alright, we do have a winner. But, before we announce them, can anyone tell me what they just ate?

The URI students and fan was laughing, but the pledges had no clue.

ANNOUNCER: Well…according to this…what you just ate was a combination of Spam…Pork Chitterlings…Pork Jowls and…oh my…a combination of Wet Dog and Cat Food.

The pledges stood there as everyone laughed and called them Pigs. Only at that point did they really understand what was happening.

ANNOUNCER: And the person to have eaten the most…was April Gallagher! Congratulations!

They stadium stood up and gave April a standing ovation. April stood there, tears welling up in her eyes. The other pledges moved closer to her as a way of comforting her.

ANNOUNCER: But, of course, you all did well! Congratulations! You have all been accepted in the Pi Iota Gamma sorority. And we all know what that really means, right folks? Let's spell it out for them. Give me a P!

CROWD: Pi!

ANNOUNCER: Give me an I!

CROWD: Iota

ANNOUNCER: Give me a G!

CROWD: Gamma!

ANNOUNCER: What's that spell?!

CROWD: PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG!

All the girls in the Pig costumes at that point ran off the field. April stopped to look in the audience only to have Andrew catch her eye. He had a shocked look on his face and April welled up and ran away.

Now we're back to present time.

ANDREW: I look for her for weeks after that…but I couldn't find her. So, I went to URI to ask the sorority that was responsible for the whole prank. Luckily for me, they kept perfect records. They noted that April's 'handler' wasn't even a student, but a drunk fan named Peter 'Mr. Fantastic' Griffin.

LOIS: Mr. Fantastic?!

PETER: Look, I don't remember that night! And I don't call myself Mr. Fantastic. There's gotta be some mistake!

ANDREW: Oh really? Didn't you become an honorary member of Alpha Beta for that prank? Wasn't it your idea?

PETER: Oh…Alpha Beta! Now I remember! Those were fun times. Like the time we tricked these girls into thinking they were gonna join a new sorority, but it turned out to be a fake and we was just makin' fun of them because they were ugly.

LOIS: PETER! That's exactly what this man is talking about. You mean you actually did this?

PETER: Lois, I swear I have no idea what he's talking about.

ANDREW: You just described it, dumb ass!

PETER: Hey, I said I did it…I don't think it was your group, though. I don't remember taking out any Amber Gilligan.

ANDREW: APRIL GALLAGHER!

PETER: Who?

LOIS: Peter…did you hear anything that man just said?

PETER: Look, buddy, whatever happened that long ago happened…alright? I'm sorry your friend may have killed herself because of a stupid prank, but that was her choice. I don't have anything to do with that.

ANDREW: You have everything to do with it! If it wasn't for you, she would've gone to the game with me and she'd probably be my wife by now.

PETER: Well, if you were a better man, maybe she would've went with you.

BRIAN: Wow. Way to calm down a situation, Peter.

PETER: I'm just saying, Brian. There must be reason why she was so eager to go out on a date with me that night. Sounds like Mr. Ball here wasn't taking care of business.

ANDREW: You son of a…

Andrew throws a perfect right hook to Peter's jaw, knocking him backwards. Peter caught himself, looks at Andrew in anger and prepares to fight.

PETER: Big mistake, buddy!

Peter starts swinging at Andrew, but misses every one. Either Andrew ducks or blocks, countering every punch that Peter throws. Then, Andrew throws some gut shots, which at first doesn't hurt Peter. Peter manages to land a light throw to Andrew's face, only to be countered by a hard left to his jaw. Then, Andrew throws a punch to the solar plexus. This causes Peter to wince and step backwards in pain.

ANDREW: I forgot to mention…I was one of the top boxers in the All-Connecticut Boxing League. I won the New England Championship three times. Can't you tell?

PETER: You…you may have taken a boxing class or two.

ANDREW: Yeah? And now I'm about to take you to school, chump.

Andrew then releases a flurry of fists which Peter can't block. He's hit with every right and left that Andrew throws. Whenever Peter tried to hit back, he misses because Andrew keeps moving and hitting.

ANDREW: Stick and move, Griffin! Stick and move!

PETER: Eh? Uhhhh…

Peter started to fill woozy and dizzy, with Andrew still delivering punch after punch. Then, Andrew hit Peter hard in the ribs. You could hear a loud crack.

PETER: OWWWWW!

Peter goes down to one knee. Andrew stands over him.

ANDREW: Now, look at you. Weak little bitch.

Andrew looks around and notices the crowd gathered around, watching the fight. Lois is looking in horror. You can tell she wants to say something, but the words don't come out. Peter notices the look of horror on Lois' face and tries to get up only to be kicked in the same ribs by Andrew. Peter then goes down, but doesn't allow himself to go completely to the ground.

ANDREW: You don't get up until I say you do.

PETER: What do you…what do you want from me?

ANDREW: I want you to suffer like April did. How does it feel, Griffin? How does it feel to finally be humiliated?

PETER: Screw you. All because you lost a girlfriend. It was a joke!

ANDREW: So you finally remember, eh? Or, did you forget in the first place? Were you just playing dumb? Well, I guess it don't matter. Time to go night-night, Griffin!

POLICE: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Two police officers run to the scene as Andrew was winding up for another punch. Andrew stops dead in his tracks while everyone else heads snaps to see the cops run up as they separate the two.

POLICE #1: Alright, what's going on here?

GUY IN CROWD: It was just a fight, officers. And that black guy was whipping up pretty bad on the fat, white guy.  
POLICE #2: Looks like it. What's this all about?

ANDREW: Unfinished business between us two. We don't exactly see eye to eye and things got a bit out of hand.

PETER: Out of hand?! You accused me of some girl getting hurt because of something that happened years ago!

POLICE #1: I don't wanna hear it! Both of you shut up.

POLICE #2: Hmmm…beer, tailgate, food….and look, the black guy is wearing a CSU shirt.

POLICE #1: And the other guy is wearing a URI jersey. Well, I know what this is. Nothing more than a good ol' fashioned fan fight.

POLICE #2: Yeah..heh heh. Remember when we used to have those? Matter of fact, weren't we high schools rivals? I went to Woods High and you went to Fenster. We were the Fighting Roosters. What were you guys again?

POLICE #1: The Beavers.

POLICE #2: Yeah, now I remember. We played one of our games at your stadium. You guys had a weird chant. Up the Beavers! Up the Beavers! And we use to tell you guys to bite our Wood, because you know…Beavers chew wood.

POLICE #1: Huh…that's funny…I never thought about that until now. Beavers do eat a lot of Wood. That's probably why we won all the time.

POLICE #2: No you didn't. That home game I remember we creamed the Beavers that night. You guys surely got the wood that night.

STEWIE: Are we…are we really listening to this right now?

BRIAN: Officers, what are you gonna do about this situation?

POLICE #1: Nothing. It was a fight. Both of you, stay away from each other for the rest of the night. We'll look the other way this time, but if it happens again we're arresting both of you.

BRIAN: But this man just came outta nowhere and…

POLICE #2: …And the other guy threw a punch back at this man. That looks like a fight to me. Just don't let it happen again.

Both of the police officers then leave.

ANDREW: You got real lucky this time, Griffin. But, you better not let me catch you again, or I'll finish what I started. Got it?

Andrew then walks off. Peter gets up from the ground with Lois holding him.

PETER: Ohhh…Lois, I don't feel too good.

LOIS: Peter?! Peter, what's wrong?!

PETER: I just need to….sit down…

Peter then falls to the ground, but he's still conscious.

LOIS: Oh God, Brian! Get the car! We're going to the hospital!

Brian grabs the car and pulls it close to where Peter was bent down. Lois, Peter and the kids pile into the car and then Brain drives off towards the nearest hospital.

Two hours later at Hartford Mercy Hospital

Lois is looking on as Peter is resting in a bed. Meg and Stewie are watching TV while Chris is playing around with medical equipment. Brian is sitting next to Lois, trying to console her. A few moments later, the Doctor walks in.

DOCTOR: Ah, Mrs. Griffin. How is he doing?

LOIS: Well, it looks like he's breathing ok. But, other than that, he hasn't moved.

DOCTOR: Well, as long as you didn't see anything out of the ordinary, I'm sure he's fine. I've got some good news for you. Looks like he just suffered a concussion. A few days rest and some aspirin and he should be fine, as it was only minor.

LOIS: And his ribs? He said they felt like they were broken and I thought I heard them crack.

DOCTOR: No, Mrs. Griffin. According to these X-Rays, everything is fine. They did take a bruising, though. But, like with everything else, a few days rest and he should be fine. I'll have a nurse come in and check on him periodically. You're free to stay if you want, but the rest of the family must sleep in the waiting room.

LOIS: That's fine. Thank you, Doctor. Brian, would you mind taking the kids back to the hotel and watching over them.

MEG: I don't wanna go back there just yet.

DOCTOR: Well, I see no reason to leave right now. Tell you what, you guys can stay in the room for two more hours. After that, only the wife will be allowed to sleep here.

LOIS: That's fine, Doctor. You sure he'll be ok?

DOCTOR: Trust me, Mrs. Griffin…you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

About an hour passes and Lois is dozing off, until she notices that someone else is standing in the room. She wakes up to see clearly that it was Andrew. She gasps and yells for the kids to wake up.

ANDREW: Well, well, well…what do we have here?

LOIS: What the hell are you doing here?

ANDREW: I work here…and I just happen to be your nurse for the evening! LOIS: No! There's gotta be some mistake!

ANDREW: Oh, it's no mistake. His name is on my assignment sheet. Small world, ain't it?

PETER: Uhhh…what the hell is all the noise?

ANDREW: Ah…and the idiot awakens!

Peter wakes up to see Andrew standing above him. He suddenly becomes scared as he knows he's almost completely defenseless.

PETER: What the—YOU!

ANDREW: That's right. Looks like I'll be taking care of you for a while.

PETER: Nurse! Nurse!

ANDREW: I am your nurse! And, I gotta tell ya…you have the worst luck ever.

PETER: Look…maybe we can make a deal or something? You already beat me up and put me here. What more do you want?

ANDREW: April is not here anymore because of you. Why should you still be around?

Suddenly, Meg looked like a lightbulb had went off in her head.

MEG: Brian, I need your car!?

BRIAN: This isn't a good time, Meg. I might have to fight this guy.

MEG: Brian! This is important! I think I know how I can stop this!

BRIAN: How?!

MEG: No time to explain, please just give me the keys.

Brian took out his keys and threw them to Meg. Meg caught them and then ran out of the room. Lois then stands between Peter and Andrew.

ANDREW: Get outta the way, lady.

LOIS: I'm not going anywhere! I understand that my husband may have hurt you, but that gives you no right to do whatever it is you came to do.

ANDREW: Makes me no difference. I guess I'm just gonna have to get rid of you, too!

BRIAN: Don't you dare touch her!

Brian lunges at Andrew, managing to get his arms around his neck. Andrew tossed him to the ground, hitting his back hard on the ground. While he was distracted, Chris stands by his mom and stands in between the two. Andrew turns his attention back to the family.

CHRIS: Just calm down, dude.

ANDREW: Oh, that ship's sailed long ago, little man. You'd best get outta my way. I won't tell you again.

CHRIS: That's my dad! I'm not going anywhere! I won't let you hurt him!

LOIS: This ain't happening! Not now, not ever. You're just gonna have to deal with whatever Peter did. You already put him in the hospital, that should be enough.

ANDREW: Oh? Should be enough?! Can that ass whuppin' bring back April?

LOIS: *sighs* No…it won't. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for everything Peter did to you and to April.

ANDREW: What are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything! It was him. He needs to apologize!

LOIS: Peter…what do you have to say about this?

PETER: Lois…I'm not gonna apologize for something I didn't do. But, let's just say I did do this. Let's say I did play a prank on this girl. I'm not the one that mad her kill herself. I'm not the one that took her life. SHE DID! She's is responsible for that, not me!

LOIS: Are you serious right now? The only reason she did it was because of what you and your friends did!

PETER: Ok…so people get bullied all the time! They don't go out and kill themselves, right?

LOIS: Actually, yes, they do! Why do you think there's a whole campaign against it? Why do you think all those positive messages have been on TV?

PETER: Lois, you know I don't pay attention to any of that stuff…like the time I paid Father McClarey to go to funeral for me.

This time, there was no cutaway. Everyone just stared at each other for a short period.

ANDREW: This…this is what he has y'all doing?

LOIS: Ummm…there's usually a joke or two in there.

Andrew started to walk toward the group while Lois yells at him to get back.

MEG: STOP! PLEASE!

Andrew turns around to see Meg standing there with someone. He stops and stares at the person for a second with his mouth open.

ANDREW: That can't be.

MEG: It is. APRIL'S ALIVE!

April looks back at Andrew with a calm look on her face. She's a 35 year old black woman with too much makeup and not enough clothes on. She smiled slightly as she started to recognize who she was looking at. But, the strangest thing of all…was that she looked like the Black version of Meg…only older and with more wrinkles.

ANDREW: April? Is that…Is that you?

APRIL: Last time I checked, I was.

ANDREW: You're voice! It sounds just like it did years ago. You haven't…you haven't changed! You've gotten even hotter!

The other people in the room were looking at Andrew funny because April was not an attractive person. She was wearing a pink tube for a top and a short black skirt for a bottom. She has on fishnet pantyhose and high heeled shoes. She had a slight gut and slightly sagging breasts. In short, she looked like a prostitute that had better days. She had shaggy, unkempt brown hair and she wore rimmed glasses, very similar to Meg. She stood there and smirked a little as Andrew stared back at her.

ANDREW: All this time…I thought you were dead. What…what happened?!

APRIL: I remember that night well…I remember after the prank happened, we all ran away from the field and went back to one of the girls' dorm room. We were all sobbing as we couldn't believe what just happened to us. I guess the worst part about everything is the fact that we ate dog food. We were all crying and wallowing until one of us stood up and started talking. That was the founder of our sorority, Sue E. Porker.

SUE: Girls…what exactly are we crying for?

APRIL: Didn't you just see what happened? We're a laughing stock! We'll never get accepted into any real sororities now!

SUE: Yeah…but that only means we weren't gonna get accepted anyway. Don't you see what has happened, though? They've given us a name, and we rushed for our letters.

APRIL: What?

OTHER GIRLS: What are you talking about?  
SUE: We have enough right now to start our own sorority. Right here and now! We'd have to do something similar to get into any of the other sororities, right? Well, we've already done that. Why not go ahead and start our own thing?

The other girls started talking and we thought about it.

OTHER GIRL: Yeah…that is true. We have done all the embarrassing things that other sororities would've made us do. Why not go ahead and start our own?

GIRL #2: You got a point! I can see that.

GIRL #3: Are we actually gonna do this? If we are, I'm in!

APRIL: Well, if everyone else is in…then you can count me in as well!

And that day…Pi Iota Gamma was truly born. We picked out our colors and made our traditions based on that terrible day. We went to the college council that Monday and put our application in and about a week later, we were accepted as the newest sorority on campus.

ANDREW: But, I don't get it. If you were able to turn that bad day into a positive…what the hell happened to you? Why did everyone say you killed yourself?

APRIL: Well…they didn't like the idea of the worst girls on campus getting them back for what they had done, so we ended up being bullied relentlessly. We were never invited to any parties, any socials, any competitions…nothing. We were outcasts. The only girls who ever tried to join us were outcasts themselves.

Unfortunately, none of that helped our self-esteem any. We started to think that being gross, or bad or any of the rest was a good thing. So, we started slacking off, dressing stupidly, being totally nerdy and disgusting. Most of us graduated, but if there's one thing that college can't teach, it's confidence in yourself. A lot of girls just couldn't get over that night, or any night they were bullied. We just kinda stayed there and tried to find a way to deal with it.

Sue ended up overweight and is now confined to her bed because of her girth, Ellen ended up trapped in a marriage where the guy cheats on her every week because she's so ugly, and Me, well, after thinking no other guy would ever want me for more than a joke or a quick bang…I became a prostitute.

ANDREW: But…you're wrong. I want you.

APRIL: What?

ANDREW: You don't know how long I've been looking for you. The only reason why I stopped was because I thought you were dead. I'm very glad that you're alive now. And, this way, we can finally start over.

APRIL: Are you…are you sure? You know I've been in the streets for a long time now.

ANDREW: I don't care. I want you, April. That is…if you'll have me.

APRIL: So…I don't gross you out?

ANDREW: Maybe this will give you your answer.

Andrew grabs April and plants a big kiss on her lips. April closes her eyes and kisses Andrew back as they embrace each other. Then, he finally let's go.

APRIL: Wow…that's the best kiss I've ever got. I guess…if you really want me…I'm yours!

ANDREW: Finally! After all this time I get to have you!

Andrew then grabs April and hugs here deeply.

PETER: Well, I guess all's well that ends well. Everything is good now, so there's no need to try and kill me anymore.

Andrew then snaps his head back towards Peter's direction.

ANDREW: I know you're not talkin', Griffin! I'm not done with you.  
April then put her hand on his shoulder.

APRIL: Andrew…let it go. You've got me, now. I don't want you to go to jail over something stupid. Please…let's just go and start our new life.

Andrew stares at Peter with daggers in his eyes for a while, and then lightens up. He throws the needle containing the potassium cyanide in the sink and then takes April's hand and heads for the door. But, before he gets there, he walks up to Lois and looks her in her eyes.

ANDREW: Lady…the fact that you're still married to him will always be a mystery to me. I don't know how long you've been married, but if I were you, I would strongly consider leaving him. He hasn't told you about this, so it would be wise in thinking there's a whole lot more he hasn't told you about. I would watch out if I were you, lady.

Lois didn't say anything, but just looked at the ground as Andrew and April left the room.

PETER: Whew! I'm glad that's all done. Lois, can you help me outta here?

LOIS: I can't believe you, Peter. What other secrets are you hiding from me?

PETER: Lois, I'm not exactly in the position to be answering you right now. Can you please get me outta here?

LOIS: I thought that when we got married, we both agreed that there would be no more secrets? Now I find out that you were the cause of a young girl almost killing herself? What other crap have you done?!

PETER: She was a nobody, Lois! She knew what the game was gonna be before she played it! How are you gonna blame everything on me?!

LOIS: Peter…When you get outta here…we've gotta see a counselor.

PETER: A COUNSELOR?! FOR WHAT?!

LOIS: TO GIVE ME A REASON AS TO WHY I SHOULD STAY MARRIED TO YOU!

Lois then runs out of the hospital room in tears. Meg, Chris and Brian look at Peter in silence.

PETER: What?! Come on, she was a nobody! It's not my fault she tried to kill herself!

MEG: Yeah, Dad. Actually…it kinda is.

CHRIS: Sorry, Dad. But, I'm on Meg's side on this one.

BRIAN: Face it, Peter…you're in the wrong on this one. I'm just glad that she didn't take her own life.

PETER: You can't blame me for what another person does! I won't let you! She chose to try and kill herself, I didn't do it!

MEG: You just don't get it, do you fat ass! No, you can't be responsible for what another person does to their life. But, you ARE responsible for pushing them in that direction! You put her in a place where she didn't think she was worthy of being alive anymore! All because you had to play a stupid joke! The same kinds of jokes that you play on me! You're a bastard, dad! And I'll tell you something else! Not only have you may have lost a wife…but you've probably lost a daughter, too! I'm outta here!

Meg angrily leaves the hospital room.

PETER: I am not taking the blame for this! I didn't do anything! It's not my fault that she couldn't take a joke! And, I'm not responsible for her wanting to kill herself!

Brian sits down near Peter while Chris takes Stewie out of the room without saying a word.

PETER: Brian…you don't really believe I'm responsible for this, do you?

BRIAN: I don't know, Peter. I wasn't there. But, if what she says is true, you do hold some responsibility. Maybe not for what she did…but for what pushed her there.

About two weeks after this, Peter is finally released from the hospital. He returns to Quahog with the rest of his family, though no one really talks to him. After a long and awkward silence and just when the family enters into Providence, Lois starts to speak…

LOIS: So, Meg, how was the trip to the college?

MEG: Oh, it was GREAT, Mom! I think…I think I wanna go to SCU.

LOIS: Really? Are you sure? You know Rhode Island has some pretty good schools, too.

MEG: Yeah…but I think I wanna leave this state. Plus, that's where Pi Iota Gamma is gonna be.

LOIS: So…you decided you're gonna rush for them?

MEG: Yeah…I think I fit in with those girls.

PETER: Wait a minute…you went to SCU?

LOIS: Yeah, Peter. While you were recovering, April and Andrew came back and wanted to take Meg on a tour of SCU's campus. She stayed at the sorority house for the entire weekend.

PETER: WHAT?! What the hell happened there, Meg?!

MEG: Don't worry about it.

PETER: Meg, I am your father. You'd better tell me right now if anything happened.

MEG: Oh, NOW you're my father?! Now you care about what's happening in my life?! All you ever do is humiliate me and when I was trying to be friendly with you, you'd fart in my face or push me down the stairs or whatever you felt like doing that day. And, by the way, you never actually thanked me for saving your life!

PETER: It's part of your job as my human shi—daughter to protect her father!  
Meg just shakes her head with a disappointing smirk on her face.

MEG: See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

LOIS: Nothing happened, Peter. Meg went out with her new friends and she actually had a good time. I had a hard time getting her to leave. Brian and I had a pretty good time there, too.

PETER: WHAT?!

LOIS: Well…after I found out you were gonna be fine, we decided to take in a couple of shows and movies. It was really nice going to some cultured places for once.

PETER: And Chris?! What the hell did you and Stewie do?! Huh?! Lunch at Martha's Vineyard?! A Whalers game?! Dancing in the middle of a gentle Connecticut snowstorm?!

CHRIS: Well…I spent most of my time in my room masturbating to the best porn I had every seen. I tell ya, dad, you haven't lived until you've seen Midwestern porn.

Scene cuts to Chris watching TV with a woman with a thick Minnesotan accent:

WOMAN: Mmmm…yeah! I'm gonna eat this whole stick of butter, dont'cha know? Oh yah! And then I'm gonna get dressed in my lumberjack clothes and go chop wood for the FIRE! Would'cha like to see me do that, hon?

CHRIS: WOULD I!

WOMAN: Oops…silly me. I dropped my butter. I guess I will just have to reach down there and pick it up. Now, no peeking at my sagging, flat, wide, white, dimply ass then there now yet! I can tell when you're looking at me, young man! I have eyes in the back of my head.

CHRIS: Oh GOD!

Camera quickly pans to outside of Chris' room and you hear a loud fart sound followed my Chris moaning in pleasure.  
WOMAN: Oops…excuse me. Must've been that hotplate I had earlier.

CHRIS: Ohhhhhh…

Camera cuts back to the family in the car.

CHRIS: You know dad…Minnesota is really nice this time of year. Maybe…we…can…go?

PETER: And where was Stewie? What did he do?

STEWIE: I saw…the greatest film of all time…a story of persistence to stand your ground and the bravery to venture out and try new things…an adventure full of twists and turns and a story that ended on such a positive note that it made me cry with joy and laugh with pain.

BRIAN: W…wow…this sounds like an awesome movie. What was it?

Camera cuts to Stewie crying on the bed while watching TV. The sound of the movie is playing…

TV: NOT IN A BOX, NOT WITH A FOX, NOT ON A TRAIN, NOT IN THE RAIN, I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM!

STEWIE: LEAVE HIM ALONE! HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR DAMN GREEN EGGS AND HAM! WHO EATS GREEN EGGS ANYWAYS? *CRYING* DAMN YOU SAM I AM! DAMN YOU!

Camera cuts back to the family in the car.

BRIAN: Really?! Green Eggs and Ham is a profound story?

STEWIE: Yes…much like Old Yeller is a cautionary tale.

BRIAN: What?

STEWIE: What?

LOIS: We didn't stop living our lives just because you were in the hospital Peter. As a matter of fact, once you get better…we all are gonna have to have a very long talk. Things are gonna be very different around here.

PETER: Lois, I will not be talking to that way. I am the man of this and as the man I say….OOOOH SHINY RED BALL!

Peter tries to open the door to chase after a ball that bounced in the cars way. Lois, Meg and Chris managed to grab him and keep him from jumping out. Chris forced Peter's seatbelt on him and made it tighter so that he couldn't move so easily, while Meg reached over and closed the door. Lois kept driving with an annoyed look on her face.

The family finally reached their home. They began to unpack and settle back down. Meg was in her room when her phone rang, letting her know she had a video call coming through.

APRIL: Meg?

MEG: Oh, Hi April!

APRIL: I just wanted to make sure you got home alright?

MEG: Just walked in the door, everything is fine.

APRIL: Good, good. So, you say you're a sophomore, right?

MEG: Yep. Two more years to go.

APRIL: Great. Well, if you ever come up here, make sure to look us up. We'll have a spot waiting for you.

MEG: Great!

APRIL: Now, keep in mind, this is just to try out. That doesn't mean you're in.

MEG: I understand. But, thanks for the opportunity anyways.

APRIL: And Meg…listen. When you get here…if you decide to pledge another sorority…we understand.

MEG: You can get that thought outta your head. There's no way I would ever betray my sisters.

APRIL: Wow…guess we made an impression on you. Well, just make sure you keep your nose clean and stay in those books until you get here. And, by the way, if you can make it to SCU…we have a chapter in Rhode Island. And I hear, they may be looking for a new President by the time you're a freshman. Just something to think about.

MEG: Oh…that's great! Nice to know! But, SCU is my first choice.

APRIL Good to know. We listen, I gotta go. My pack of wieners just defrosted to that perfect point between hot and cold and I gotta go pretend they're the New York Nets!

MEG: We…we have a lot in common.

APRIL: Most definitely…Sister. Laters!

Meg hung up and put down the phone with a satisfying smirk on her face. Brian passed by her room and caught her staring into space.

BRIAN: So, you had a good time in Hartford?

MEG: Brian…Hartford's where I need to be. I now feel like I have a purpose in life.

BRIAN: That's good, kid. What would that purpose be?

MEG: I'll find out in college. But, I know who's gonna be in there with me.

BRIAN: Well…I truly do hope you find what you're looking for.

MEG: I just may have, Brian. I just may have.

Meanwhile, Lois is sitting in the living room when Peter walks in and sits down next to her.  
PETER: Lois…don't you wanna talk about everything that happened?

LOIS: What is there to say?

PETER: Look…it was a long time ago and it was just a prank. Whatever happened after that is not my fault.

LOIS: But…see…that's the point you miss. It is your fault. If it wasn't for your…

PETER: Lois, people get bullied all the time and you don't see them going out and killing people or trying to kill themselves.

LOIS: You DO see it all the time! And, of all people to bully anyone, YOU?! What gives you the right?!

PETER: It…was…a…JOKE!

LOIS: What the hell else haven't you told me? What other secrets are you hiding? What…have you been on the verge of starting nuclear war? Did you use to shock animals to death? Do you have chopped up bodies in the house as we speak? What the hell else do I not know about you?!

PETER: Lois!

LOIS: No, Peter. You deserve this! You deserve all of this. I've already called a counselor and we're both going and you're gonna tell me EVERYTHING! And if you don't…and this I swear by every bone in my body…if I find out you're keeping just one secret away from me, and I don't care if your secret is that you stole a cookie from a damn buffet! If you are holding back anything else, I'm leaving you! You got that? If you don't want to go to counseling, I'm leaving you! If you do anything stupid within the next year, you're gonna look up and I'm gonna be long gone. Do you understand what I'm telling you?

PETER: You don't mean that!

LOIS: The hell I don't! Just try me if you think I'm not serious.

Lois angrily gets up and walks past him towards the kitchen. Peter was stunned and a little scared. Could she really do that? Could she really leave the kitchen with only a meal for herself?

Peter sat there barely paying attention to the show in front of him as for the first time, he's really realizing the steep price he may have to pay for all his years of abuse and stupidity. Worse than the price of going to jail…worse than the death of his father and worse than that time he got his keys locked on the outside of his car.

No…this price was one that he didn't think he could handle.

The price of losing the only person in this world he truly cares about.

The price of losing Lois.

THE END


End file.
